The recent passing of Valentine's Day has me thinking about not only my relationship with my husband of 12 years, but relationships in general, including what we teach our children. Risking much hate mail, I propose the following 5 guidelines for real-world romance, tongue placed firmly in cheek…..
#1. Please Remember That Your Partner Loves You Because Of The Awesome & Unique Snowflake You Are, NOT because you will be the 2nd half of some weird combined organism. I am a firm believer that no one, at any point, should be caught dead on a couples bike, wearing any kind of matching clothing or sharing a common email address. Sorry, it's just not right. If anything, please remember that there is an entire world of people that must interact with you, and sometime JUST you. Together you are awesome, but make sure there are no matching Halloween costumes in your future.
#2. Real Love Is Tiny, Not Disney Epic Big. This is something that I have had to remind myself of several times in my relationship. Everyone loves that first gush of feelings, but I think we sometimes get caught in the trap of "my spouse should do so-and-so to prove they love me" or "If you really cared about me then you would X or you would do Y or you would act the exact way I think I want you to act." Please! That sentence was hard enough to type, let alone live up to. Shut your mouth and pay attention, because I am telling you the cold hard truth right now: You don't want someone that will do as they are told every single day, You DO want someone that will take the time to scrape your car windows for you in the dead of winter without you asking.
#3. Get real about what you want, not what you think you want. Resist the pull of pop culture! Stop punishing your partner for exhibiting traits that drew you to them in the first place! Personally the idea that I would want a man that is super in-touch with his feelings, had a nice feminine side and was not afraid to be vulnerable sounds a lot like dating the pain in the butt roommate I dealt with my first semester of college. What I do know and am not afraid of saying out loud: I want a MAN, an honest to goodness man. I want someone that will balance my sometimes-a-hot-mess self. We can't BOTH be mushy and weepy, I need me a rock, a backbone of my family. Someone who can teach our son what a man is, how he treats people, about dignity and hard work and fun and standing for something. Someone who can help me teach our kids how to treat others and demand to be treated in return. You may enjoy your emo-hipster who is unable to change a tire, but personally, I am heading home with the biggest bada*s in the room. Everyone needs someone who will sometimes hold their hand and sometimes keep them in check…..especially folks like me…..who happen to have a big mouth..
#4. There is no boss at home. Please, please, please try to remember that you and your partner are just that, PARTNERS! That does not mean that everything will be equal and fair, you will figure out pretty quick who is better at keeping the grass cut and who is best at folding fitted sheets. Or if you are like us, you figure out what chores that you loath and will trade them with your spouse for chores that they can't stand. There will be areas where either you or your partner will do the lion share of work, but here is the biggie: Your way of doing things is not the "right" way, it's just your way. Repeat that a couple times to yourself when you are ready to pick a fight over something stupid like how the dishwasher is loaded or how the carpet is vacuumed or the bills are paid or the kids are put to bed. Your partner is not your child, you are not in charge, accept that you need to either let some stuff go and be happy that you have someone that will help you out with tasks or keep your freakin' mouth shut and do it yourself. Those are your only choices, so the next time you start telling the love of your life the "correct" way to make a bottle or that their dirty laundry "belongs" in the hamper, take a deep breath and get over yourself. A dirty sock is just a dirty sock, not a secret commentary on the level of respect someone has for you. Pick it up or leave it there…….it feeds the happy, I promise!
#5. And finally….remember that you are in love. Sometimes this is easy and sometimes I want to punch my husband in the throat and laugh while he writhes on the ground. But I have found that stopping what I am doing in random moments to text my husband, or go find him in another room for a quick peck and a casual "Love you babe" does more for my marriage than any couples vacation or manufactured date night. ALWAYS kiss hello and goodbye, even if it's just a quick peck, even if you are out in public, even if you are surround by friends or kids or the apocalypse. ALWAYS say "hi babe" or "bye hon" & I love you. My husband does not give amazing foot rubs, he does not buy me jewelry or flowers, he isn't even always nice to me, but when he shows up at the ice rink to coach our son's team and five feet in the door he looks around for me, wades in through all the hockey moms sitting there and chatting to tell me "hi" and give me a quick kiss before heading for the locker room, that is what makes him my everyday white knight…..bushy red beard and all….
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