As I sit here contemplating my computer screen, I can hear my children in the next room. Our oldest, Ian, is doing his homework, our youngest, Katie, is thundering around the room with the dog. I love both of my children more than life itself, but my first born has been occupying my thoughts heavily these last couple days.
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| Ian Helping to Fly Plane on Vacation |
As Ian grows, both in height and experience, I often have other mothers compliment him on his maturity and resourcefulness. "
What are you doing?" they ask, "
How do you get him to behave so well?" I figured that it is about time that I let the cat out of the bag in regards to my unusual parenting approach.
Drum-roll please.............
I leave him the heck alone.
That's it, it's that simple.
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| Ian preforming in front of entire school |
I know that many of you, especially those with younger chicks at home (Ian is 11) will feel an immediate knee-jerk reaction to such advice. "
But wait!" you cry, "
I have been reading baby books, surfing the Internet for behavior tips and subscribing to parenting magazines since little Junior was born!" "
I have to nurture his every moment, I need to make sure he is self-actualized and is playing with the approved nuro-science organic toys and expressing his valid emotions in healthy, non-confrontational ways!" I understand why those of you, that resemble loafer-wearing hovercraft more than grounded beings with your own interests, would find this advice hard to swallow. It's like spending a ton of money on new beautiful shoes. You waffle on the purchase, you shop online for the best price, you think about how often you will wear them with what is already in your closet. But then when you finally get them home and they make your feet feel like you have been walking on alcohol-covered coral, you don't want to give up on your conviction since you have so much time and energy already put forth towards your choice.
So those of you that have been directing your kid's every moment for the last decade, pre-chewing their food, choosing their friends and riding to the rescue whenever life does not go their way, will be understandingly hesitant with the following advice:
Back Off!
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| Mr. Hockey |
That's right, back off.
Your kids will never be able to successfully navigate adult life if you do not let them develop the tools to successfully navigate middle school. My son is a prime example of what this type of parenting can look like. My husband and I are affectionate, playful, understanding parents. We make sure our children know what values we uphold and impart our wisdom, on everything from bullies to homework, enthusiastically and often. Ian has plenty of good friends (there always seems to be a herd of hungry kids at my house), is at the top of his class (all A's & B's), is a great athlete (M.V.P of his hockey team this year) and is polite and respectful 78.3% of the time (which, if you don't have an 11 year old boy, is pretty amazing).
Here is where the different comes in~ we have faith in Ian's choices, judgements and abilities. As a parent, coach and educator, I see people underestimating their children everyday. From the folks that think their 6 year old is incapable of putting their snow pants on, to the dad confronting one of his daughter's friends for hurting her feelings. You are not helping your kids! In actuality, you are hurting them. I know this is a hard one to believe, but if you take a hard look into yourself you will see the nugget of truth lurking at the bottom of this statement. If you yourself are a responsible, hardworking, problem solving adult, it is not because your parents followed you around wiping your nose for you when your were 12. Here are some facts that may shock you (
if you have a delicate disposition, you may want to leave the room):
1.
My son uses the lawn mover and the snow blower.
You read that right, my 11 year old son uses power equipment. After you get up from your fainting couch, please realize that it is always under direct supervision with an adult outside with him, but he is out there cutting grass and blowing snow. At my father-in-laws, he even uses the riding lawn mover (one of the big ones with duel lap bars.) I admit the first time I saw my boy come around the corner of the house on the big mover with grandpa and dad walking calmly behind him, I almost stroked out. I felt that "danger!, danger!" mom urge that we all feel, and since I am sure it showed on my face, my husband calmly explained that he had prepped Ian on the danger, safety measures and consequences of using in the mower and then turned him loose in the back acres to practice. He did amazing, calming and coolly navigating around trees and bushes, not a nerve to be seen. Many of you would cry "reckless!" "dangerous!" "absurd!" and to them I would ask,
why? I am fully aware of my son's temperament and his level of maturity. I also trust my husband's judgment and that his desire to keep our kids safe is as strong as my own. It also begs the bigger question,
if I can't trust my 11 year old with a lawn mower under directly supervision, how in the hell will I be able to trust him with a car when he is 16? Trust and responsibility are not things you can turn on in your kid at 13 with a flip of the switch. Confidence in their abilities and the awesome power of an adult's trust must be planted at a young age and fed throughout adolescence if you don't want to be spending the Disney travel fund on bail.
2.
I do not check my son's homework.
Nope, I don't. He just finished it in the other room and put it in his backpack before disappearing downstairs. How is that possible you ask? What if it is incorrect, or he did not understand it, or if his handwriting is awful or his math is off? My answer~
Then he will get a bad grade on it. Ian is 11, not 5. His only job in life right now is school. That is his main responsibility, and pretty soon when hormones start zipping around in that scrawny body of his, the only thing keeping him from flunking out will be the habits and routines that he is developing right now.
Ian's homework is Ian's responsibility. It's that simple. I have already passed the 5th grade, so has his father. I am not going to check his backpack for papers, permission slips or homework. I am not going to make sure his library books and tennis shoes get put in there every week.
That is not my job as a mother. My job as a mother is to raise a son that is responsible enough to remember to do those things. How do I do that? I let him suffer the consequences of his failures. If he does not do his homework, he will have to deal with the punishment that accompanies bad grades. If he does not understand a concept, a math problem or directions, it is his responsibility to let me know and to ask for help. I will move heaven and earth to make sure Ian understands his work and had the tools he needs to succeed in school, but not by stalking behind him like a bird of prey in a turtleneck. They need to be responsible for things in their lives if you expect them to be responsible kids!
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| Turkey for Thanksgiving |
3.
My son knows how to use a deadly weapon.
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| Practicing with Dad |
He hunts, he fishes, he knows that animals must be killed (responsibly) in order for us to have meat to eat and takes great pride on helping to put food on the table for the family. The amount of pride in my son's face after he harvested his first deer set him up to believe in his skills, his ability to practice a craft, and to work hard to successfully gain the trust and admiration of the adults in his life (which is waaaay better than having a mommy that won't let you sleep over at a friend's house because she read an article online about separation anxiety).
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| 1st deer ever |
Let me bottom-line it for you~ If you want to grown a mature, responsible man that has the ability to lead others with intelligence and confidence, you need to climb out of your son's pocket, bite your tongue and have some faith in your kid.
